Femme Fancy is not a Fantasy on Pink Lobster Dating

DSC_0182 (640x422)I love women, but it is fair to say that I don’t love all women!  We all have different tastes, gay or straight, and these may even change in our lifetimes.

One taste, I can say for certain about me that has never changed is my attraction to other feminine women.  When I first came out I believed I was the only femme in the village or indeed the world. This was in part due to the media that focussed on stereotypical representations of lesbians. This has somewhat developed in the last decade or so. However, I believe that lesbians who do not meet the stereotypes are still not always shown precisely. They are either going through a ‘phase’, are struggling with their sexuality or are still largely seen as fantasy figures.

In reality I am thrilled to announce… We do exist as real lesbians and what is more we exist for lesbians!

This is one of the reasons that I created Pink Lobster Dating: Lipstick Lesbian Catch. As a femme I struggled to find love. The reasons for this are numerous. For one I am not one for the scene, especially as I am not seen as a lesbian…  Still today! For another when I tried to find love online I was faced with tirades of both men and women wanting threesomes i.e. presumptions were made that I must be bisexual.  Even lesbians presumed that I was not a lesbian and just going through a ‘phase’.  It was a difficult experience and one where I felt lost and excluded.  I found love… eventually!   But it was this long difficult process that I faced that inspired me to set up a site for femmes. I wanted to create a safe place where femme lesbians could at last belong. It was to be a place where we would no longer need to explain who we are, justify being who we want to be or be with.

pinklobsterdatingPink Lobster Dating has been set up following over a year’s research and development and a lifetime of devotion!  It is a labour of love and I am delighted to say femmes are already finding each other on the site.  My experiences and research found that I was not alone.  Other femmes do exist.  Also other femmes have felt isolated.  I have heard a number of shocking and sad stories about femme lesbians who have been shunned from the gay scene and who have felt misunderstood in general.  Too many lesbians, me included, have heard statements such as: ‘But you’re too pretty to be a lesbian’.

It is hard enough coming out as a lesbian in the first place to family and friends.  To have to come out numerous times because we do not fit society’s stereotypes is another mean feat.  On Pink Lobster Dating, lipstick lesbians finally have a voice.  We are no longer invisible and can find other femmes and love without fear of reprisal.

Pink Lobster Dating is the only site in the UK for femmes to meet femmes.  One question I have been asked many times is what is a femme?  The answer to this is far from simple.

One of Pink Lobster Dating’s bloggers Hannah Cooper summarises it incredibly well:

‘There are many ways to define feminine – in terms of looks (physical and style), tastes and way of thinking. For me, being feminine isn’t following a prescribed checklist – it’s just the generic label I give to the set of characteristics I have – long hair, wearing dresses, heels and make-up, being sensitive and emotionally analytical, being interested in books, films and conversations about people and emotions, enjoying shopping and thinking about decor, etc. But I don’t think these are by any means definitively or exclusively ‘feminine’ qualities. Of course you get people who look classically girly but are also very sporty, or don’t have stereotypically ‘feminine’ interests. And equally, you get men and non-femme lesbians who have pretty features and are sensitive and analytical!

Calling yourself a feminine lesbian isn’t about conforming to any one idea of how to look, think or act. It’s a self-defined identity and shouldn’t be imposed from outside. For me, the ‘femme’ label isn’t about narrowing myself or others into a box, but merely a practicality. To say I’m a femme who likes other femmes is just a way to broadly navigate the minefield of meeting people when you’re largely invisible as presumed straight.’

So just because we are lesbians does not mean that we fancy all women!  For those who see themselves as femmes, PinkLobsterDating.co.uk is for you.

Any questions feel free to get in touch jp@pinklobsterdating.co.uk

by Juliette Prais

lesbian dating Lesbians of North London

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  1. Sandra Alvarez, April 10, 2013 3:21 pm - Femme Fancy is not a Fantasy on Pink Lobster Dating

    Hi Juliette, I enjoyed the article except for this one line:

    ‘when I tried to find love online I was faced with tirades of both men and women wanting threesomes i.e. presumptions were made that I must be bisexual.’

    As a bisexual woman, I dislike that stereotype. It sounds as if being mistaken for a bisexual is a bad thing or that all bisexuals do is have threesomes. Just like lipstick lesbians, we face the same problematic issue: we are not taken seriously as prospective partners by other women. I have not been taken seriously by lesbians simply for being bisexual. It’s very hurtful and I think, as women, we need to stop perpetuating negative stereotypes of femmes and bisexuals. I’m femme looking and would like to be taken seriously just as much as you. Thank you for listening. I enjoy the site.

    Kind regards,

    Sandra Alvarez

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