k d lang On Vanity Fair Cover

In this day and age it is so easy to forget how it was only 15 or so years ago that k d lang graced, if that is a suitable adjective - the cover of ‘vanity fair’. It was such a different world then; I was living in Guernsey; working in a hotel, staffed with a great bunch of diverse people from all of the world, yet there was only one of those people that I confided my secret to! My room mate; a gorgeous girl from Amsterdam.

We shared a room and often as the day drew to a close we would lay there chatting to each other sharing all our innermost secrets. Ruby had traveled over from Amsterdam in a 2 CV, Bob Marley blaring out and the sweet smell of dope left in her wake. She was a great girl, blonde gorgeous, confident, very worldly and last but by no means least totally sex mad, in every respect - the opposite of me!

There I was a bewildered gay girl from the Midlands, who had suddenly found myself in Guernsey running away from the life I knew but in doing so, accidentally finding one much more suited.

But as I mentioned, if you did have a secret, it wasn't spoken about … So there I was on that rainy July day, eager to read the Vanity Fair that had arrived in the mail that morning. I hadn't really heard of k d lang but the cover intrigued me, turned me on. I wanted to know everything about this gorgeous women, who was courageous enough to be on the cover of such a magazine in such a pose. 

I remember it so well, settled in my room, the rain steadily tapping upon the window sill. I loved days like that in Guernsey it was always so sunny there - it came as a kind of relief to find a day where you were allowed to just hide away in your room read, listen to music, be alone. 

I read the article and looked at the pictures again and again. I wanted to hear this music that was so eloquently described in the article but it wasn't out over here yet and as always I had no money.

I went to sleep that night and had the strangest dreams, in one I met Dirk Bogarde, during our conversation he managed to solve all of life’s queries - it's funny I’d always thought of him having all the answers. The second involved me having a looking glass and looking through it before making any huge decisions. The timing of these dreams in retrospect seems pretty prophetic; I can plainly see that my subconscious was looking to know which way the wind was going to blow for me! Was it going to be with the Martin’s of the world (a chef I was having a drunken dalliance with) or would it be the k d’s. My mind was always in such a muddle, I was so worried about the reaction of the world to what ever decision I made. But you know the path is there already set out for us, I knew deep down already; the dreams were just guiding me!

Funny that I chose Bogarde an allegdged closet case whom I still adore but now know would have been the last person on God’s Earth to ask such a question! I re-read the article again over the next few days. It evoked a feeling of such desire, the life I wanted but was so scared to show was contained within those pages the secret desires that I had for the women in my life were somehow now allowed. It was ok for me to feel like this, I remember at the time it was a really new concept that it was ok to be gay. In fact I was surrounded by closet cases at the hotel; as the years have rolled past I have learnt of others in our group who were in fact struggling just as I was. If only we had known at the time we could have helped each other!

I ended up having to buy two copies of the magazine as so many people wanted to read the article. It's funny how people thought it so bad to be a lesbian. When my boss called by she immediately picked up the magazine and after reading it we had a deep conversation about it. Amanda had known me for a few years at this point and it was she who had given me the job in Guernsey. I have since asked her, but on this particular day, she was so against it. For her the moment is no doubt long forgotten, but to me it is such a strong memory looking back I see that I was in fact using the magazine to test the ground, to see how safe it would be for me to reveal my true nature. Sadly the litmus test did not fare well and it was to be another four years before I would be bold enough to confront the truth. 

As I sit and ponder all this now, in the safety of a wonderful loving relationship, the knowledge that all those closest to me now know me for me, no more secrets and guilt. 

Nowadays it’s considered cool to say you are gay, in fact nearly everyone one meets has had a dalliance and feel the need to share it. I’m not so sure this is for the best, but I think k d helped the change immensely! I still have my copy of the magazine and every so often flick through the pages reflecting back to that time and the struggle I had finding my way. I never want to take for granted what I have now; it took me so very long to get it!

© Lucy Hall 2009